Dating Tips For Nice Guys

My best friend and I, like most women, want to meet and be with a "nice man." The problem is that the nice men we have met have consistently done things that have created situations where we have no desire to continue to date them. I have quite a few "nice guy" friends who have asked me time and time again..."What are we doing wrong?" I have decided to write this for them, and for the nice guys who have ever questioned exactly what the hell was going on in our heads.

This is, in essence, a set of dating do's and don'ts for the nice guys out there. I have separated these rules into 4 sections...before the date, during the date, after the date and miscellaneous. They are generalizations and guidelines, but I would argue that they hold true for most women.

BEFORE THE DATE

DO make the first move: Yes, it sucks, but in today's world, even the most modern woman would prefer that the man make the first move. Some of us can make the first move, and occasionally do. But it's still preferable to have you do it. How do you make the first move? Walk up to us and offer to buy us a drink (if we're in a bar), ask us for a recommendation (in a bookstore/cd/movie store), or just say hi. Women do not get off on being bitchy (ok, a few do, but the majority do not) and if we're not interested we'll smile and say no thanks or walk away. Yes rejection stings, but acceptance is just as much a possibility.

DO try internet dating websites: Many women, especially busy women have gotten on board the internet dating train. Carefully construct your profile. Don't write a novel in the section where you're supposed to talk about yourself. Tell us what you do, what your passions are, and an interesting fact or two. If you have non-negotiables, this may be a good place to bring them up. My best friend and I will not date men who aren't pro-choice and pro-gay rights. Doesn't matter if he's rich, drop dead gorgeous and good in bed...without those two he's gone. There's not point in talking to women who have no interest in camping if you love it. When it asks you what you're looking for, actually create some standards. There are few things that say "desperate" to me than a man who has any any any any down his list of "potential mates."

You probably don't want to date a girl who's 3 feet tall (maybe you do, but if you do, then you probably don't want to date a woman who's 8 feet tall). If you're 18, you probably don't want to date a 60 year old woman. If you only want to date thin women, don't put that you'll date a woman with a "few extra pounds." Try to put up a picture...and find one that actually looks like you do now...not the one from 4 years ago when you had a 6 pack that has long since gone the way of the beer can. Once you're up, send winks/icebreakers to the women you find interesting. Keep it short and sweet...something to the effect of "I liked your profile, please check out mine" with a little something about you...a movie you saw recently, your thoughts on the recent political developments, whatever.

DO move it from email to aim to phone in a short period of time: Exchange two or three emails to get a feel for the person. Then move onto your instant messenger of choice. It is also acceptable to go directly to instant messenger. If things click there, take it to the phone. If they click, ask her out for COFFEE by the 3rd conversation. If you wait too long, it will never happen. Do not ask her out to dinner, go for coffee...dinner is expensive and it could be 2 hours of hell. Coffee is 20 minutes and could easily be extended into dinner should it go well.

DON'T send a novel of an email: My best friend and I recently received the exact same email from some idiot. It was long, trite and cheesy as hell. Nothing is less sincere than trying to sound like some kind of self help novel/romantic movie. Be honest about who you are. And for chrissakes, keep it short.

DON'T use bad grammar or spelling: There's such a thing as spell check. Do us a favor and use it. There was a perfectly nice guy who I stopped emailing because his emails were just plain PAINFUL to read. And it's irritating, quite frankly to see a guy write "r u into sports" instead of "do you like sports?" Take the time to write "you" instead of "u." Yes, spelling counts...not the occasional typo..we all make those. But your email to a woman is your calling card and she'll be basing her opinion on you on your email. A poorly spelled email with bad grammar says that you aren't interested in making a real effort.

DON'T keep talking to a girl if you're not interested: Yes, you don't want to hurt someone's feelings, but at what point do put yourself first?

THE DATE

DO show up on time, and well groomed: It's basic respect, but quite a few men seem to have missed that particular memo. Also, show up in a casual outfit like jeans and a shirt. This doesn't mean tight jeans with your hair greased up. Again, this might seem obvious, but many seem to have missed it.

DO talk: When we have to do all the talking, we think a guy isn't interested in us. Everyone has life experience to share...share yours. Maybe you think your life isn't all that interesting, but we don't know that you have siblings, or that you had the coolest dog ever when you were little. At the same time do let her talk. It's not cool to hog the conversation.

DO pay: It's perfectly okay not to, but it's a sign of respect. Which again argues for asking her out for coffee. Should you not click, you're only out $6 at most.

DON'T show up with a ton of gifts: A friend was recently embarrassed when a guy showed up with candy, AND flowers, AND a balloon. Can we say overkill? If you feel the need to bring over something, make it a single flower, or a bunch of simple flowers like daisies. Red roses are trite, uncomfortable and too much. A single rose is acceptable when it isn't red...go for yellow, parchment, or a funky rose. The best flower I ever got on a first date was a rose that had been died blue and dipped in silver glitter. It wasn't the best because it was a rose...it was that it was really interesting and original. Flowers are really for the 2nd date (and even then, stay away from red roses...which are for girlfriends, not dates). Balloons are only acceptable on birthdays. Candy is a kind of random gift...on Valentine's Day maybe, if she's your girlfriend. Or perhaps if you took a trip to Switzerland or Germany or something and wanted to bring back some of that exquisite chocolate. And, please God, stay away from stuffed animals.

DON'T make the offer to take us to dinner if you don't want to: The worst dinner I ever had was with a guy who I hadn't clicked with, and made the mistake of taking the offer to dinner with. It was 45 minutes of boredom. Spare us, and spare yourselves.


DON'T try to hold our hands until we give you a sign that we're interested: A sign that we'd like you to hold our hands is to put our hand on the table, slightly extended, with the palm up. Wait for this signal. Some girls aren't comfortable with PDA's.


AFTER THE DATE

DO go in for a kiss, if you think things went well: Most women are open to a good night kiss to see if there's physical chemistry. Keep it closed mouth at first, and see if she's responding. If she turns her head, bad sign. If she responds, good sign and potentially move in for an open mouth kiss.

DO drop her a phone call or email after the date: However, I mean the day after the date. Wait at least 12 to 18 hours. Again, keep it short...Had a great time, would you like to do that again? Don't drone on about how hot she is, how much you'd like to see her again, and unless you won a million dollars, don't say it was the best date ever...again it looks desperate.

DO respect her response: If she agrees to a second date, go for it. Don't make it for that night however. If she says no, then respect it...don't email her some wounded response. Keep it for your friends.

DON'T badger her: There was a guy who my best friend was going to give a second date to. Until he emailed her 4 times and texted her another 3-5 times in 24 hours. That is stalking. If she doesn't respond to your ONE email OR voicemail, wait 3 days. Still nothing, drop a one line email that says "haven't heard from you, was wondering if you got my message." If she still doesn't respond, don't continue to pursue her.

DON'T use pet names early on: I once decided to stop talking to a guy who called me princess in our first instant message conversation. I was disappointed because he seemed like a cool guy. However, the use of pet names is uncomfortable, and sends the whole desperate/cheesy message. I'm not talking about the occasional hon or darlin', both of which I use with everyone. I'm talking about "angel" "gorgeous" "princess" etc.

DON'T have the relationship talk on or just after the first date: No one wants to talk about "where we're going" after ONE date. We're not even sure if we want a second date sometimes.

MISCELLANEOUS

DON'T try to date before your current relationship is over or just after it has ended: It's not fair to you or your date if you're still in love with someone else. And if your date confesses that they're still in love with their ex, make a graceful exit. Understand that sometimes people think they're ready to date, when the truth is that they're anything but, and they need that experience to know it.

DO understand that it's entirely possible to be totally into someone before a first date and totally not into someone once you meet them: Chemistry is a tricky thing and although you may have the best chemistry ever on the phone, you may have nothing in person.

DO try something other than your normal type: I'm not saying ignore your non negotiables...I'm saying if you've only ever dated blondes, try a brunette. If you've only ever dated lawyers, why not date a banker? If your type had worked, you wouldn't be single, now would you?

DO go with your gut instincts: If your gut tells you that this isn't happening, don't take it further.

FINAL THOUGHTS

JUST WHERE DO I MEET GIRLS? The question I have gotten perhaps more frequently than any other is "so where do I meet girls?" My answer is NOT in a bar. I have yet to meet a serious relationship in a club or a bar. I strongly suggest internet dating...it has worked for many people I know (and has led to two engagements in just my friendship circle). I also suggest looking in places where people with your interests gather. Some examples...if you're into Trek...go to a Trek convention. Comics/Anime...Anime con. BDSM...join the local group. If you're into books, try bookstores. If you're into a type of music, go to see your type of bands in the local music scene...keep an eye on what girls keep showing up...approach them. And if you meet a girl at an event type thing, you then also have a handy topic to bring up to break the ice.

WHAT IF I GET REJECTED? We all get rejected. The hottest people get rejected. And as I said before...we don't live to hurt people's feelings. Most women will try to let you down easily. The bottom line is that we're all looking for the same thing and we have to sometimes kiss a lot of frogs to find our prince or princess.

WHY DO WOMEN ONLY SEEM TO LIKE ASSHOLES? It's not that we like assholes. To be honest, it's that we like a challenge. If you throw yourselves at us, you are in no way a challenge. You're too easy, in fact. I'm not saying that you should be cold and distant...I'm saying that when you make it clear to us that we can have you and have everything we want from you without question, it's not interesting. You need to have your own opinions. You need to be a person outside of our boyfriend or date. The truth is that we do want a nice guy. "Bad Boys" call us once and wait for us to call them back...they tell us that they want to do something, rather than asking us constantly...and they say things that make us want to respond.

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS WANT TO BE JUST FRIENDS? You just haven't the right girl. As I said, chemistry is weird. But be careful on whether or not you agree to be friends with her. If you desperately want to date her, the answer should be "NO." There is NO shame in saying "I don't think I want that, sorry." Don't try to be her friend, laying in wait until she's single in hopes that you'll get your shot once she gets to know you. If she wants to be your friend, that's the best you've got coming. The truth is that we're pretty sure if we can see ourselves sleeping with you or dating you by the end of the first date, second date at the latest.

We want to meet you. We want to date you. Hell, we want to marry you. But we need to meet you first and that's not going to happen if you're hiding in your office or sitting at your computer reading this. Put yourself out there...it will be worthwhile.

Good luck, and let me know how it goes!



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